Death

Stare death in the eye and see if you can hold eye contact.
photo credit: @Doug88888 via photopin cc

Death. There it is. The one word that’s the most terrifying and the least liked. Most people have a strong visceral and negative reaction to hearing the word – myself included. And, despite the possibility that we’ll reach a singularity and potentially live forever I think it’s best to operate on the assumption that it’s going to happen to me as well.

I think it’s really important to be mindful that you’re going to die. As Steve Job’s put it in his Stanford commencement speech:

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

… Everything else is secondary.”

This is how I have often felt on the subject. So when I think about death it seems absurd for me to accept a compromised life.

I’m an atheist as well so I believe that when I die that’s it. Fade to black, game over, I will no longer exist except in the hearts and minds of those who will remember me for as long as they live.

I remember at school when we had a guest speaker at assembly and they told us that there were two kinds of terminally ill people he sees. The first and more common kind was scared, sad and mournful of their own death. They were filled with regret and angst. The second was accepting and calm, their attitude was “Yep, I’ve done everything I feel I was supposed to do and gave it a good shake, it’s time, I’m ready.” That’s always stuck with me and I want to be the second kind of person when my time comes.

Recently I came across this: http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html. Here’s how I see myself stack up against that checklist:

“1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” – I’m doing what I feel I should be doing by working on startups and focusing more on that than a traditional career. I think in the past though I cared too much about doing the ‘right’ things. Other than that I feel pretty good on this count.

“2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.” In the post the writer (who is a nurse writing of her experiences treating the terminally ill) says her male patients said this and felt they spent too long on the work treadmill. I doubt you’d hear an entrepreneur say this. To me the answer is simple: work hard but don’t miss important family moments. Also, if you want to be an employee for the rest of your life then that’s fine but then don’t make work your priority. On this count, I’ll continue working as hard as I can which should be fine if I stay true on point #1.

“3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” Not an issue for me. If anything I find life hard because I am so direct and honest all the time. I’d feel I was betraying my friends if I pretended to agree with them when I don’t or to offer vague and kind platitudes because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. In short, I’m the guy most of my friends turn to when they want a truly honest opinion.

“4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” This is one I do really poorly on. I’m so focused on building a startup and life for myself that I feel there are going to be sacrifices I have to make – time with friends and family is one of them. Even so, I could still see my friends more often with some good scheduling.

“5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.” I’ll have to think more on this one but I’d say that I do get pretty caught up in the day-to-day and forget to smell the roses as often as I could. Having said that, I’m in a building phase and, luck permitting, I’ll have a bit more time to smell roses in a few years from now.

My advice: think of death often, let it terrify you out of the illusion of your comfort zone and start building the life you really want. This doesn’t mean that if you hate your job then you should quit tomorrow. It means to start doing things in your free time that will take you in the direction you want to go. The only people I meet who are comfortable talking about death are the ones who are actively following their path. If someone isn’t following their path they’ll avoid discussing death at all costs as it’s simply too confronting and scary. It means they’d need to stop stalling and start living.

I’m not suggesting you get obsessed by it or pre-occupied but never lose sight of the fact that it’s coming and your time is limited so make the most of what you have. I find it inspiring and uplifting when I think about it like that.

How has thinking of death changed the way you approach life or do you prefer no to think of it at all?